The Ted Lasso Way

A new script on masculinity

This week we have a special guest post from a beloved Harborista, Brandi Cortés-Hickson. Brandi is a wife, mom, gramma, and houseplant junkie in northeast Florida. “I'm a seeker and still learning so much about the Divine, how to be a better human, and my place in this world. I love Harbor and am incredibly grateful to be here.“

[Warning: potential spoilers]

“The best we can do is keep asking for help and accepting it when you can. And if you keep on doing that, you’ll always be moving towards better.” 
- Higgins (Ted Lasso, Season 3 Episode 12)

Imagine a world where men were free to be vulnerable and honest about their own struggles—where their masculinity wasn’t measured by their ability to hide insecurity, anxiety, or shared intimacy with others. In just three short seasons, less than thirty hours of television, Ted Lasso changed the way so many of us think about men. 

I’m willing to admit up front that as a cis-straight white woman I am the last person you might think would be writing a blog post about toxic masculinity. However, I submit to you that perhaps I’m just the right person. Not only have I been standing in the blast zone of toxic masculinity my entire life, I am the mother of three sons. 

Never have I recommended a show so much to the men in my life—well, to anyone really. And when faced with the question of why I would care so much about a television show set in the UK about a football team (soccer for all you Yanks), I think my husband answers it best: 

“It gives men permission to be vulnerable and honest without all the bullshit. And shows us how to do it.” 

Permission and demonstration. Is that all it takes? If it’s really that simple, why isn’t that the gold standard for raising men in this world? 

To be frank, I think we’ve lived for so long under the “boys will be boys” mantra that we just take it at face value and we have no friggin’ clue what it even means. It’s just a blanket excuse for inexcusable behavior, dismissing any need for accountability or re-education. It removes any responsibility we might carry as humans to address the source of toxic behavior in men. 

What if “boys will be boys” meant being vulnerable with those who love you? What if it meant being honest about emotions, insecurities, hopes, and dreams? 

What if it meant holding others accountable for poor choices and shitty behavior? And then walking beside them as they learn how to do and be better. 

Ted Lasso was just the start, I think; a small spark of hope in the dark ick that too many men are trapped within. 

It is true that there is no shortage of loud, toxic, puffed-up men in this world. World leaders, teachers, preachers, “leadership experts,” spewing hatred and bigotry with every breath. Still, like Higgins, I have hope that we are moving toward better. 

I know men in positions of power who want to live The Ted Lasso Way. And those men are also committed to breaking the stigma associated with vulnerable masculinity in their own circles by having the hard conversations and stepping up as better examples of what boys will be. I am incredibly thankful for their boldness and bravery—including the white men among them. They are smashing the patriarchy from the inside and with enough of them working together, we have a chance to be better as a society. 

If you are still reading and wondering where the spiritual encouragement is in this post, I’ll say this. While there was almost no mention of spirituality or religion in the 34 episodes of Ted Lasso, there was certainly evidence of the Divine throughout. If the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control) is the true measure of a person’s holiness, then I submit that God themself has an office at AFC Richmond. 

Of course, no one is saying that it’s easy to dismantle centuries of toxic masculinity—that one television show can instantly change the world. But what if, like a pebble in a pond, we start small in our homes, our friendships, our own communities. . . and watched the ripples spread? What if we simply encouraged each other along the way to keep doing the hard things with incredible love? 

After all, it was the great Ted Lasso who said, 

"If you care about someone, and you got a little love in your heart, there ain't nothing you can't get through together."