The slow work of tending to ourselves
A couple weeks ago, theologian and author Dr. Shelly Rambo joined us at Harbor to discuss theology and trauma. Shelly made connections that I have been mulling over for the last several weeks. One specific one is the slow work of healing.
A student came to Shelly’s classroom in distress and dysregulation after an encounter with a classmate who held dehumanizing beliefs toward them. The student confided in Shelly, “I thought I was healed from this trauma. I thought I was over it. Why is this person triggering like this?” Shelly reflected on this student’s situation and how it parallels many of our own—we can think we are healed, we’ve done the work, and then we have an encounter that sets us off. Our bodies take over and we are left feeling out of sorts, unsafe, or not ourselves. The work of healing we’ve practiced seems empty in that moment of undoneness. Shelly offered:
“The harmful messages we hear about God live inside of us and they don’t easily go away….So we must do the slow work to release those messages. It’s not one and done. We have to practice a different relationship with self and messages.”
Let’s break down this quote.
Harmful messages we hear about God or harmful experiences live inside our bodies. For example, 10 years ago I had a manipulative and toxic relationship with someone in a position of spiritual authority over me and many others. Over the years, I have gone through different processes of forgiveness (not reconciliation). I have worked with a therapist to locate the pain points. I have built my own sense of safety and security in contrast to the paralyzing unsafe and insecure feelings brought about from how this person treated me. For a decade, I have slowly been doing the work of healing. And yet, every once in a while something will happen that sends me into a fight-or-flight response. Like the student, I will say, “I have worked to heal from this. Why am I responding this way?” Shelly’s words remind us that we can be 10, 20…50 years into healing, and yet some of the damaging messages can still impact us. Because those messages of harm have been internalized in our bodies. While our minds feel healed or moved on, our bodies still hold the pain of the past.
This is why we have to do the slow work of releasing harmful messages from our body. Healing, unfortunately, is not a one-and-done task. Like a gardener tending to their plants, we also have to tend to ourselves. Remember how a couple weeks ago I talked about mindful breathing? In a time where many of us want to talk out our trauma, we have to remember the pain is in our bodies. Exercises like mindful breathing, help connect us to what is happening in our bodies. Mindfulness, breathing, gentle movement help us slowly tend to the messages in our body.
What daily rituals do you have that connect you to your body? It can be something like taking 5 deep breaths when you sit down before work and checking in with your emotions and the sensations you feel in your body. Or maybe you feel connected to your body when you are walking your dog. Maybe it’s when you are watering your plants. Take a moment to reflect: when do you feel most connected to your body? Where do you feel tuned into yourself? Where do you feel safe and tending to yourself?
Practice a different relationship with self and messages. As we connect with our bodies, we want to pair that practice with finding a new relationship with ourselves and those harmful messages. We need to intercept the harmful messages and replace them with messages that build security, safety, and as Shelly said, “I need to learn to trust in my own goodness. God and the soul are intermixed.” Shelly suggested that the slow process of healing is like spiritual conditioning: “You need some food. You need to start moving. You need to start believing in your power.” We are working out our mind-body connection so that we can build our capacities to handle hardships in life.
Come back to the practices that connect you to your body. For me, it is sitting on my porch and taking deep mindful breaths. Now with that practice, pair a new message of love, belonging, and acceptance. For example, for me this would look like while mindfully breathing repeating the prayer, “God, I am made in your image. You love me, cherish me, and celebrate all of me.” Take some time to reflect on how you can intercept a harmful message and replace it with one of positive regard. Like Shelly said, “We must come into a posture of regard towards ourselves. Reclaiming a relationship with self takes deep work to internalize the loving gaze of God that is always upon us. We can say God is love, but we need to feel it in our bodies.”
Healing takes gentle work. We tend to ourselves. While doing it, we pay attention to ourselves. We are curious, we are open, and we keep slowly moving forward in our own power and belovedness.
