What are we talking about when we talk about sex?
Pretty obvious, but this blog post discusses sex. Also contains mention of abuse.
A few years ago I was having dinner with four of my queer friends. We were lamenting, with great humour, what the Church calls “progress” when it comes to sex and gender. I let out a loud sigh. “When do you think,” I said with exasperation, “the Church will just stop talking about sex?” Robbie raised his head. “The Church will not stop talking about sex,” he said, grandly and patiently, “until it starts talking about sex.”
Of course, he is right. We don’t talk about sex.
When the Church thinks it is talking about sex, it is mainly talking about intercourse. How does one body part fit with another? Which parts are allowed to be in contact with other parts? How many bodies can be together at one time? What sensations are permissible and which ones are sinful? Which genders can have intercourse together? How do I find pleasure without a partner?
Some churches try to hide their obsession with intercourse by packaging it in terms of family. What is intercourse for? It is for creating children, they say. It is to support a marriage. Some pastors talk about it in hushed tones in order to maintain a sense of reverence. Others hold thousand dollar seminars with their wives and tell large crowds of people about their sex life.
Talking about intercourse is comfortable, despite the intimacy, because it is easy to legislate. You can’t legislate love, passion, curiosity, vulnerability, and pleasure. You can only legislate actions. Men cannot meet with women alone. Dancers must keep their bodies 1 foot apart. The dangerous and insidious thing about the legislative approach is that it does not prevent spiritual, sexual, or emotional abuse even when people are following all those rules. If the Church actually talked about sex, it would have to talk about the enormous sexual harm it has done.
So, then, why aren’t we talking about sex? Because we aren’t talking about:
Intimacy: Many relationships experience intimacy, from parenting to friendship to a single sexual partner to a one night stand. It is a gift of trust and safety. Also, many relationships rely on deep intimacy without having intercourse, and we deny their existence when we only focus on intercourse.
Consent: Teaching our children and youth to say no is not enough. Eventually, they will want to say yes. It is hard to know what doesn’t feel right if you don’t know what makes you feel good.
Multiple partners: Most teenagers and adults will have a sexual or intimate relationship with more than one partner and are not always monogamous. How are intimacy and consent experienced in this context?
Sexual health: Regardless of whether or not one is having intercourse, their body still needs care. Many people do not know how to take care of their genitals and reproductive organs because we never talk about these parts of our bodies.
Sexual abuse: In many Christian communities we learn that the kind and loving thing to do about sexual abuse is to make it go away as quickly as possible so as not to hurt anyone. This is rarely out of concern for the victim and more about the offender and how the congregation will react if they find out they are being led by an abuser. If we were having serious conversations about sexual abuse, then we would be hearing from survivors and taking discipline seriously.
Sex in the Bible: And I’m not just talking about Paul. Polyamorous relationships are more prevalent in the Bible than monogamous ones. There are several records of sexual assault. There is also erotic poetry but very little romance.
There is more, but I’ll stop there.
How do we widen the conversation? Learn about and teach consent culture, which promotes body and sex positivity. Approach questions and new learnings about sex with curiosity in order to quiet the fears and discomfort. Take sexual abuse in all churches seriously, supporting survivors and demanding whatever justice they ask for.
Then, we can actually start talking about sex.
