Should I Stay or Should I Go?
If you came here for expert analysis on the hit song from The Clash, I’m sorry to disappoint. That song is a good place to start, though, because while it’s about a potential relationship break-up, it strikes at the same tension we will consider here: when we find ourselves in a bad situation (but one that feels normal or we still derive some benefit from), should we stay or should we go?
This has become the most common question people bring to me for advice—but for church break-ups. It can be very stressful to belong to a church or ministry that no longer reflects one’s values. Over time, the organization or (more likely) the person has changed, and what was once a good fit is now a constant source of unease.
For the remainder of this reflection, I will be thinking primarily about this dynamic as it occurred for me and most of the folks at Harbor: people engaged in conservative evangelicalism who have experienced a shift in their values, beliefs, or practices, who now have a hard time continuing to be part of their church. This article won’t delve into the various reasons people have for leaving (dehumanizing beliefs and practices, white nationalism, etc.), but rather the process of wrestling with one’s involvement after those reasons have surfaced.
What do we do when something just isn’t working anymore?
Four ideas for the crossroads
Unfortunately, if you’re facing this sort of dilemma now, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. No formula. No ten-question Buzzfeed quiz. These are hard decisions that require thoughtful reflection and, usually, difficult conversations.
The silver lining is that a bunch of other people have worked through very similar situations. And while there’s no equation or map, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned from my own experience and from talking to others on this leg of the journey.
1. Pay attention to yourself
These ideas are in no particular order, except that this is my most urgent piece of advice. When we become enmeshed in institutions, we eventually take on their shared logics and priorities. In evangelical churches, part of the groupthink is that “church isn’t about meeting your needs—it’s about mission, or God’s glory, or truth.” It is selfish, we are told, to view church as a place you go to receive nourishment and support.
(The irony, of course, is that evangelical churches have, more than any others, created and participated in the religious marketplace, innovating their methods to bring in new consumers who sense their needs will be met there!)
But we might remember Jesus’ warning to the religious leaders of his day: “The Sabbath was made for humankind, not humankind for the Sabbath.” Religious rules and systems are created to promote human flourishing! When they stop promoting love, justice, and peace, they are no longer doing what they are supposed to do—and it’s time for them to go.
Agony should never be part of your participation in a faith community. It’s not something that goes on one side of the balance sheet and competes with “missional effectiveness” or “amazing worship music” in the other column. As you pay attention to yourself, if a church community is consistently causing you anger or pain, do not ignore it.
This doesn’t mean you need to leave a community at the first sign of struggle—but it is crucial to be open and honest about anything that causes harm to you.
2. Pursue therapy
This section will be brief, because this is just a general piece of advice for every person all the time. But it also applies here! Finding a good therapist can help you with the previous step—paying attention to your own pain, desires, fears, and motivations—and with processing a big decision like whether to leave behind a community. Whether you choose to stay or go, therapy can be beneficial; it can help you pursue your own wellness in the midst of the challenges of staying, or mourn the loss of relationships and activities that comes with making a break.
3. Consider the institution’s openness
When I posted this topic on social media recently, my friend David at Table San Diego shared some thoughtful suggestions. I appreciated all his ideas, but particularly this one: to ponder, and perhaps investigate, how willing the leaders of the organization are to accept new things—ideas, doubts, changes, differences. David referred to this as liberalism, which he defines in this context as “open-minded, open-hearted engagement with doubt surrounding all aspects of Christian faith.”
This will probably be easy enough to discern that you won’t need to get out your Sherlock hat. How do the leaders respond when you want to have a conversation about different theological perspectives? Or suggest different pastoral practices? Or engage with controversial social issues? Or simply share that you disagree with them? Another test of their liberalism may be to listen to how they talk about people of other faiths.
Perhaps they will be curious, or, to use David’s words, open-minded and open-hearted. This may be a sign that, despite some disagreements and frustrations, you can continue your journey with these people and in this community.
Or perhaps they won’t. As examples of what non-liberalism sounds like, these are all actual statements made to me or my wife by leaders of the last evangelical church we attended:
We will never ordain you unless you say that homosexuality is sin.
If it’s going to continue to be a big deal to you that we don’t ordain women, we can help you find another church.
It seems like you’re just trying to push the gay agenda.
If you’re on staff at this church because you’re hoping to effect change within the church, you shouldn’t be here.
A pastor here once came to me and said he believed people in other religions could be saved. It was heart-breaking, but we had to let him go.
Yes, doubt is allowed. But it’s not a good thing. The Bible says a lot more about doubt being bad than it does about doubt being good.
Sometimes, the leaders of an organization—likely out of a desire to bolster and protect the institution—are simply not open to different ideas and beliefs. When the leadership is closed off, the strategy of “staying and effecting change” is simply not tenable. In this case, the question becomes, do you want to stay without being able to effect change?
4. You don’t have to do this alone
There may be other like-minded people struggling within your same community. Find them. Listen to them. Process with them. Maybe you’ll all stay. Maybe you’ll all go. Maybe you’ll arrive at different decisions. In any case, you can support each other and your paths forward.
Whether or not you can find a cohort like that in your organization, there are other possible conversation partners. (Again, therapy.) If your dilemma involves a faith community, you can find places to process right here at Harbor. If you want to talk 1-on-1, you can schedule a Zoom call with me (just in case it isn’t clear, this is free). If you’d like to join a group of Jesus-followers who have left behind evangelical spaces, or are in the process of leaving, or are in some cases still sticking it out, you can sign up for the link to our Thursday night gatherings.
The road will likely be difficult whatever you choose. As The Clash lament,
If I go there will be trouble,
And if I stay it will be double.
Trouble awaits all of us who participate in harmful institutions. But as you navigate how to respond to that trouble, you’re not alone.
