Deconstructing Family
I have been watching Succession: a very rich family, spoiled rotten, surrounded by pretty deplorable people. And yet families are families, and hidden expectations, childhood trauma, sibling rivalry, and parental greed have the same consequences for the Roys on screen as for any other family. We just like to pretend they are worse because they are rich.
Family is supposed to be a source of strength and comfort, but for those of us who are working on ourselves and redefining our relationship with God, family can be obstructive and even hurtful. This makes me think of Moses leaving the Pharoah’s palace. In Exodus 2:11-15, Moses, a Hebrew but raised as the Pharoah’s grandson, decides to find his people. He comes across an Egyptian beating an enslaved Hebrew. He kills the Egyptian, saving his enslaved countryman. When the Pharoah hears of it, he demands Moses’ death. Moses flees.
I would think the grandson of the Pharoah would have some shelter of protection for killing an Egyptian slave master. Pharoah likely wasn’t angry that Moses killed a slave master. I think he was furious because he could not abide Moses stepping out of the palace and identifying with his true self.
Family life is hard work because relationships are hard work, but family comes with a whole other set of layers. It is an emotional system built on generations of tradition. When we take a step away by, say, coming out of the closet or changing our relationship with Christianity or both, chaos and anxiety can ensue. Silent treatments, long text sermons, passive-aggressive Facebook posts, or worse—being thrown out, a key reason why a disproportionate number of homeless youth are queer.
One of the earliest group theories I learned about in theological school is the Bowen family system. Bowen saw the family as an emotional system that always seeks stasis, like all of nature. We hold in our feelings, frustrations, and often our very selves in an attempt to maintain stasis. We keep secrets from our parents. We pit one against another. We point the finger at other siblings.
So, here you are, deconstructing, coming out, healing from addiction, whatever. It is something your family doesn’t expect because you are breaking the rules. Some may be supportive, others not. You may be facing anger, resentment, fear, and confusion. This may cause you to regret stepping out of line and to want to go back to the way things were, keeping secrets, biting your tongue.
First, know this. You are where you are right now because you took the brave step of being honest with yourself about who you are. Do not underestimate how important that is. You have begun a way of getting to know yourself and to know God. You are not alone.
Murray Bowen tells us the best survival skill for family disruption is not to calm everyone down or to stop our journey until everyone understands. The way to survive is “differentiation of self.” The more you understand yourself as an individual with a unique set of experiences, the less susceptible you are to the criticism from your family. So, surprisingly, the first step to coping with your family is to show kindness and understanding to yourself.
It may also help to focus on what is in your control. You cannot control your family’s actions or reactions. You can love them, show them compassion and understanding, and care for them, but none of that guarantees your family will be well and healthy. That is up to each individual person. Paul didn’t say, “Be at peace with everyone.“ He said, “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all“ (Romans 12:18). In other words, do your best.
Moses never made amends with his Egyptian family. Far from it. Jesus seemed to do his best work away from his birth family. Part of maturing is learning who you are as an individual. This is an act of honor and love to your family, whether or not they can recognize it.
Following truth is rarely easy, even with a supportive family. We are here with you. And there are millions of others. You will not be alone.
